oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
