DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
