Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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