Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
