Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
