Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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