I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
