I wish I could teleport
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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