the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
