I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
