did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
