1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
