I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
