I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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