u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
