You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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