How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
