I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
