this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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