My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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