I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
