I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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