no, he came in my armpit
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
