if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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