I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
