Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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