Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
