It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
