Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize