Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Sorry my hands just texted you
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
