Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
