from now on my penis is your penis
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize