Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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