I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
