$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
