Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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