I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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