i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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