i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
