I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize