so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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