Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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