Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
