I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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