i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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