whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
