I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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