there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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