did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
