Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
