I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
