just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
