Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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